Sunday, 12 February 2012

I'm in a mess.

Not a complete mess, at all. Not a situation-based mess, either. I just...lots of things are sliding the wrong way down the scale at the moment and it doesn't feel good at all. It's a big ol' spirally circle down, and at the bottom is Bad Emma. Useless Emma. Lazy Emma. Waste of Breathing Space Emma. She's there waiting. And admittedly, sometimes, I wouldn't mind being that Emma. But being Bad Emma makes me feel bad about my ability to be Good Emma, and then I feel shite about myself. So it's only really by being Good Emma that I can ever be happy.

Which is shit because it involves effort, and that's no fun.

To break it down:

1) Degree
I do sweet FA for my degree, except as and when completely necessary. It's telling that I lost my handout pack at the beginning of the term, which has all the reading I need to do for my Victorian seminars...and I haven't missed it at all. I rush essays, don't do most of the reading, wouldn't go to lectures if it wasn't for my flatmates...generally my academic motivation is at ZERO.
Which would be fine, except I need a good degree to get a good job. And I used to be freaking CAPABLE of getting a good degree, too. I used to be a genius. Ish. I've never really given a tidy one about my grades but I got them. And now suddenly I have to work for them, and what? I slowly let it slide away. Talk about pathetic.

2) Money
I have no money. Well no, I have quite a lot of money but I've had to budget £10 per night out (at 2 nights out a week) and that's assuming I get a job, because otherwise I WILL be literally existing on nothing next year.
This is stressing me out, but I am applying for jobs and generally being quite active on this front so less of the Good Emma/Bad Emma issues. Still, I feel lazy if I'm not balancing job and academics all the time. And I also really need the money, but I can't get a job ANYWHERE, and truly I am trying.

3) Getting a job
This one is different to the last, I promise. I'm doing a degree in English Lit with the idea, mostly, of getting into the (ridiculously competitive and underpaid) publishing industry. This requires a LOT of work experience, badgering people, doing stuff, having a solid CV...the list goes on. At the moment, I'm doing nothing like that. No extra-curriculars, no work experience, no particular side-interests. I need to get some of those, stat, or I really will be living in a cardboard box post-uni.

4) Getting fit and healthy
Admittedly I wasn't exactly an exercise bunny last year, but since going to uni I've even stopped dancing. Over the summer I went to the gym for a few months, did classes, did dance, and now I do nothing. My problem (is a bit pathetic) is that I don't like the idea of being on some pathetic fitness crusade: that's admitting that I've lost, that I'm doing it wrong. I also hate exercising where people can see (that kind of includes classes and stuff, although I mostly don't do those for financial reasons.) I did yoga in my room. Once. There's no SPACE in here. However, I've rearranged my room so there's more space and hopefully...I dunno, I just miss exercising. Didn't realise it, but I do. I'm hoping over Easter I can scab off my sister's gym membership for a bit, get back in the groove, and then when I get back here in May? We'll see.

5) The friend game
I am having issues with the whole friendship thing. I don't do affection (except when I'm drunk) and I'm not a particularly good conversationalist...essentially the only way to make friends with me is to force me into a conversation and keep raining me with commitment until I cave. Which is stupid and ridiculous but there it is. Not only does that raise issues with my own mental mindset, it also er...makes it rather difficult to make friends when I come to a new place :P this term everyone's been very busy, and whilst I do have a lot of flatmates I don't know what I'd do if uni was suddenly dissolved and we all went home. I think most of my friends are feeling the same, just through small hints (and it has been a very boring week) but gah, I don't know. Of course I enjoy spending time with them. And of course I'll tell them secrets, laugh with them, cry with them...just, it doesn't quite feel right yet.
It's been 4 months. I don't know what I'm expecting.

6) My love life.

7) Self-confidence.
Remember that big bad spiral I mentioned earlier? All of these things can (however irrationally) be put down to faults in myself, in the way I behave, look, am. This blog post is mostly a case of me deconstructing all the things that have been nagging at my brain, because if you look at this blog post, say, a year ago, or two, I'd totally cracked it. I wasn't ashamed of myself, or mildly disgusted by myself. I didn't have to sit down and persuade myself that things aren't as bad as they feel. BLAH.

1 comment:

jessica sandoval said...

I've been stressing and crying quietly in corners for basically every single reason presented here.

The fact that I want to major in English Literature or Creative Writing makes me get panic attacks. The fact that I have no money either (or really limited, as you've said) and no job... man.

I need to be Good Jessica. Confident Good Jessica.

Here's a toast, to the best of luck for both of us!