Saturday, 14 July 2012

Signs your child may be slightly psychotic.

I've spent the last week on holiday in rural northern France away from the internet...and also from people. As a result I've done some hardcore investigation of my hard drive, which has included the delights of old MSN conversations and hysterically bad novel attempts.

Best of all? I found a whopping 131 of those really awful "myspace surveys" saved in a random folder on my hard disk. I spent a thoroughly enjoyable two hours reading through them all and...well there was something slightly *odd* about my sense of humour back then. It's dark to the point of being actually quite scary, and the worst bit is I can't *quite* remember how serious I was. I never published any of this, by the er, here's your exclusive, never-before-seen insight into Emma circa age thirteen.

24. What is your favorite joke?
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Fuck off.
(Bleurgh, my concept of grammar was almost as awful as my bizarre sense of humour.)

 Forgive or forget?
(...acceptable, I guess. Revenge doesn't have to be particularly violent or illegal or anything.)

2. Do you get along with your parent(s):
but i have evil thoughts at the same time.
(Evil thoughts. This is when I begin to wonder what the blazes was going through my brain circa 2006.)

8. Would you kill for chocolate on your period?
Nope I would kill in general
(And here comes psychotic murdering Emma.)

If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Suicide note.

Jokes, idk...with words?

(Hey, at least I admitted I was joking?)
5. What is your secret to lure in the opposite sex?
Die, they'll come to your funeral

What should we do with stupid people? 
Send them on vocational courses, and THEN shoot them.
{2} if you ever got the chance to practice cannibalism, would you?
Well. If it was socially acceptable I probably would.

Ladies and gentlemen, signs your thirteen year old child might potentially grow up to become a serial killer. I did also show a few modicums of good sense though, aside from the terrifying and the morbid.

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life?
A fucking catastrophe I flipping LOVE it.
(Dramatic, admittedly, but I like even then I wasn't enormously bothered about having order and sensibleness in my life.)

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in junior school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

1. Everything you feared is true
2. You won't be what you want to be
3. But you'll be happy with it anyway
4. So keep on doing what yer doing :)
(I'd say now that yeah, you can actually be what you want to be. But being happy with your life and keeping doing what you're doing...good call, younger me.)
Aaaand I also showed some really terrible judgement:

62. Did you have a nap today?
I'm not FIVE , dude
Dear thirteen year old Emma. In a few years, you will discover free periods, comfy chairs and severe levels of stress due to your upcoming exams. After that, you'll hit university and discover that actually, sleeping at obscure times of the day is not just acceptable but very, very enjoyable. Then try and tell me that naps are only for five year olds.
I'm glad we're square on that one :)

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