Signs your child may be slightly psychotic.

I've spent the last week on holiday in rural northern France away from the internet...and also from people. As a result I've done some hardcore investigation of my hard drive, which has included the delights of old MSN conversations and hysterically bad novel attempts.

Best of all? I found a whopping 131 of those really awful "myspace surveys" saved in a random folder on my hard disk. I spent a thoroughly enjoyable two hours reading through them all and...well there was something slightly *odd* about my sense of humour back then. It's dark to the point of being actually quite scary, and the worst bit is I can't *quite* remember how serious I was. I never published any of this, by the way...so er, here's your exclusive, never-before-seen insight into Emma circa age thirteen.

24. What is your favorite joke?
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Fuck off.
(Bleurgh, my concept of grammar was almost as awful as my bizarre sense of humour.)

 Forgive or forget?
NEITHER.
REVENGE.
(...acceptable, I guess. Revenge doesn't have to be particularly violent or illegal or anything.)

2. Do you get along with your parent(s):
yes,
but i have evil thoughts at the same time.
(Evil thoughts. This is when I begin to wonder what the blazes was going through my brain circa 2006.)

8. Would you kill for chocolate on your period?
Nope I would kill in general
(And here comes psychotic murdering Emma.)

If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Suicide note.

Jokes, idk...with words?

(Hey, at least I admitted I was joking?)
5. What is your secret to lure in the opposite sex?
Die, they'll come to your funeral
(...)

What should we do with stupid people? 
Send them on vocational courses, and THEN shoot them.
(!!!)
{2} if you ever got the chance to practice cannibalism, would you?
Well. If it was socially acceptable I probably would.
CANNIBALISM, GUYS. MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SELF DID NOT FIND THE CONCEPT OF EATING HUMAN FLESH ACCEPTABLE. 

Ladies and gentlemen, signs your thirteen year old child might potentially grow up to become a serial killer. I did also show a few modicums of good sense though, aside from the terrifying and the morbid.

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life?
A fucking catastrophe I flipping LOVE it.
(Dramatic, admittedly, but I like even then I wasn't enormously bothered about having order and sensibleness in my life.)

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in junior school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

1. Everything you feared is true
2. You won't be what you want to be
3. But you'll be happy with it anyway
4. So keep on doing what yer doing :)
(I'd say now that yeah, you can actually be what you want to be. But being happy with your life and keeping doing what you're doing...good call, younger me.)
Aaaand I also showed some really terrible judgement:

62. Did you have a nap today?
I'm not FIVE , dude
Dear thirteen year old Emma. In a few years, you will discover free periods, comfy chairs and severe levels of stress due to your upcoming exams. After that, you'll hit university and discover that actually, sleeping at obscure times of the day is not just acceptable but very, very enjoyable. Then try and tell me that naps are only for five year olds.
I'm glad we're square on that one :)

Emma did THINGS this week.

Part of the reason I never update this blog is because for most of my life, I don't really *do* anything...I watch films or play Settlers with my friends, hit the pub a couple of nights a week and then go out once or twice too.


This week I actually DID STUFF though, and I am SO TIRED right now but it's been SO worth it!


On Wednesday my friend and I woke up at the ridiculous early time of 5am to get a coach into London to see Les Miserables in London. My friend is a massive Les Mis fan and kept rambling on and on and on about how wonderful it would be but I was kind of sceptical.  How good could one musical really be?

Answer: SO. FREAKING. GOOD. It was one of those plays which gave me aaaaall of the emotions, and the performances were all incredible, especially Geronimo Rauch, who played Jean Valjean. He constantly ble my mind, and also had an awesome name...I mean, Geronimo. Fantastic! 


We got limited view seats which were something ridiculous like £12 a ticket, obscenely cheap although the view was awful and we did end up moving forwards a row to some empty seats with a better view. Admittedly I did end up spending £20 on merchandise, a tenner on food and £20 on coaches to and from but still, it was well worth it for a fantastic day out.

We got back from London at 5am the next morning, and just 3 short hours later I got up again to go to Scarborough with my college. Again, it was ridiculously cheap: £4 return including entry to a club when we got back to York. Plus there was the added bonus of the trip taking place on my 19th birthday! Predictably the weather was awful...it rained and was ridiculously windy, but between crouching under a damp, dripping pier, taking periodic shelter in pubs, drinking foul wine in the rain, and fighting with plastic swords on a drizzly beach I actually had a pretty awesome time. Also two and a half bacon sandwiches for breakfast because fuck it, it was my birthday. YOLO. 

So that was my birthday part one. In the evening we went out, which was only remarkable for two reasons...one, I didn't finish my end-of-the-night McDonalds (that NEVER happens) and two, for the third morning in a row I found myself walking home through town, in the broad daylight, at 5am. I discovered a sudden hatred for the dawn chorus.

York is home to the world's most beautiful concrete spaceship. Aint it beautiful?

Then came the weekend and the arrival of my mom and aunt - I had no idea, but it turns out when my aunt came to my university 32 years ago, she lived practically above me, in the same block...what are the odds! Apparently my block itself has barely changed, which doesn't surprise me at all...it certainly looks like a circa  1980 building! The rest of the university is apparently quite different though. 

Apart from seeing the university again, my mom also came up to take all my stuff home for the summer...although I'm here for another week, my room feels so empty right now with my wall of stuff gone and all my bookshelves empty. I can't understand how anyone would live in a house without books, it feels so loooooooonely in here :( all I have is enough clothes to last a week, a week's worth of frozen meals to eat and enough clothes to last me still Friday. SIGH.

I have such mixed feelings about going home! I'm really, really going to miss everyone, especially as my best friend at uni is American so even a visit is going to be impossible...plus, two more of my american friends are going home for good, which is really, really sad :( but equally seeing my home friends is going to be fab, I'm looking forward to some alone time (it's a truth universally acknowledged that there's no privacy in Eric A) and I get to eat for FREE :D  

Last night I got to try Thai food for the first time, too...it has changed my life forever. So freaking good! There's just so many flavours!

I think potentially I may have freaked my mom and my aunt out by the sex noises I was making every time I took a bite, but dayum. That is good food. 

Aaand now I'm moulding in my jammies, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and eating my last easter egg. It's been a long and knackering week and I need a break! 

On the plus side, I don't have to pack now. Huzzah!

Emma xx

So just to clarify, I have:

• No money. Like, 0 money. 
• A stress-eating habit that is not going away.
• Two presentations over the next two days, neither of which I am prepared for at ALL. 
• It's 2AM
• I'm ill
• I'm tired.
• But I have to write a conclusion for a presentation I don't understand, research a topic I don't give a shit about 
• AND THEN TOMORROW I HAVE TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND I AM NOT. VERY. GOOD. AT. PEOPLE.

*inhale*

*exhale*

Time to get to work.

TGI SUNDAY

So...the sun. Don't get me wrong, I am mega okay with the sunny, sunny days we're having at the moment; the impromptu frisbee games, the walks around campus, et cetera. Love me some sunshine.

Unfortunately I also started Job #2 yesterday, at York Racecourse. Which is great: it's money, plus it's only sort of every other weekend during the summer, meaning I can spend more time in York (huzzah!) without angering my parents (huzzah!) and earn some dollar to pay the rent before my loan goes in (SERIOUS HUZZAH OF RELIEF.)

Yesterday I was put on table service, which involved me wandering around in the sunshine offering jugs of Pimms and bottles of champagne to Very Rich People. Who tip like Scrooge, by the way. More importantly though, I was not aware I was going to be outside, so no suncream. Also no chairs to sit on, so I literally went 12 hours without sitting down. Result: today I have the face of a red tomato, and I'm hobbling like an old granny.

Still, money is money. And they pay cash in hand which is the WORLD'S most exciting experience okay.

Aaaaaand also have some blanks, I'm feeling generous. Thanks Lauren!

1.  The best surprise ever would be: is it bad that whilst everyone else seems to be going with a surprise holiday, I was thinking more along the lines of waking up with superpowers. Or discovering I have an evil twin. SOMETHING COOL. I think I watch too much sci-fi.

2.  ...   is my most favourite memory: True fact: sometimes I stalk myself on Facebook, right from the beginning, and I have so many happy memories it makes me want to puke unicorns or something. WAY UP THERE is the warm snuggly feeling I get when I think about a certain picnic in the dark in a bandstand in Chester, but it's one of those things that's *very* difficult to explain.

 

 3.  The hardest, but most worthwhile thing I've ever done was: apart from not walking out mid-shift yesterday? A Levels, maybe. Freshers Week? It was hard but it's gained me some friends. Oh, I don't know. 

4.  The best part of my day is: about 4pm, or whenever I finish my duties for the day. I can lounge around in a state of undress watching Buffy for a few hours, which is always pleasant.

5. Something I like that most people don't is: working. I'm nuts. But I like the independence of having money much more than having boatloads of free time to waste.

6. Something I am willing to fight for is: I do not get angry easily. The last time I got bone-shakingly, tear down the walls angry was a couple of years ago now, I said the following on a Facebook thread: "It's taking all my restraint not to really let rip at her, I've never been properly mean to someone before but there is so much VENOM in me right now I could destroy her, I mean actually destroy her into a thousand tiny pieces and then sweep them into the drain and let them mingle with the sewage and then burn the sewage and then i don't even KNOW how I could take that metaphor any further." 

So I suppose when people betray my trust I am willing to fight my corner. Also to clarify I did mean "destroy" though the power of words rather than literally. I would also fight to the death for my friends and family, but I suppose that's a given?

7.  Something you might not know about me is uh, guys? This is my blog. I kind of tell you people everything? Although I've just been reading my leaver's notebook on a whim and here is some rules I gave myself then, that's an interesting thing. Please note that they were written when I was feeling EXTREMELY emotional at the end of my school career hence the mild cheesiness.

1) Be proud, always be proud, of who you are

2) Ignore the barriers. You are not alone. You are never ever alone. PEOPLE LOVE YOU.

3) Life consists of beautiful golden shimmering moments. Use them.

4) Relax. Roll with the punches. Que sera sera. The world's your oyster.

THERE, wasn't that fun new and exciting? Have a lovely week!

Emma x

Getting Pixellated

So I just read this article about the etiquette of virtual friends...in the article in question, the author's friend had just died and he didn't know whether or not it was appropriate to attend the funeral, having never actually met him in person nor even seen a picture of his face.

Which is intriguing, I feel. It's no secret that I have a lot of online friends, mostly from the wonderful Fuck This...I'm Going To Hogwarts. I joined the group on Feb 1st 2008, which means I've been a member for over four years and I've known these people longer than any of my Uni friends, and a significant portion of my friends from home too.

Would I go to their funerals, though? Depends on the person. Unfortunately most of my closest friends on that site are from a million miles away, so practically it's an impossibility. If they were closer? I think I probably would, and I know a lot of people who would.

Friendship is subjective...these people aren't my best friends ever, and they can't be: we never meet, we don't have shared experiences and our communication is limited to hours spent online. But we do share our trials and tribulations, rejoice in our triumphs, commiserate with each other when things get hard, and occasionally have long drunken conversations which make no sense.

Rather than being best friends, I'd say we're the kind of people who you have a little chat with every time you meet; you don't really see each other out of school/work/whatevs but if they died? You'd go to a friendly acquaintance's funeral, right?

The internet offers a whole new set of paradigms and boundaries but I do think they're comparable to "normal" friendships. So internet friends? If any of you see fit to die within the four walls of this country, you can count on me to attend your funeral.

Which I'm sure is a very comforting thought indeed.

No-one's in the kitchen with heimlich...

Title irrelevant. Please disregard.

Anyway, I've eaten so many doritos that I feel a bit sick, have finally finished lectures, am actually earning money and am nearly prepared for my exams! Call that a situation update. Here are some blanks.

Courtesy of Lauren at The Little Things We Do!

1.  Something that is very near and dear to my heart is: the lovely people I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by every day...friends and family alike. I like to think I could live without people on a regular basis, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to.

2.   Today: It's Friday! Meaning I have just two measly contact hours left before the weekend. Of course, I'll be spending my weekend revising but that Friday feeling never really goes away, does it?

3.  The most fun I ever had was: This is an obscenely difficult question that I don't think I could truly answer...I've had so many wonderful (and yet instantly forgettable) moments in my life. They don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things but I wouldn't change them for the world.

4.  True friends are: the ones who you can come back to after months of absence and nothing will change at all. Who know what you're thinking and what your reaction will be to things. Who you have years of history with. I love, love, love my uni friends to bits but for me, proper friendship will always be built on time spent together; you start to know each other too well to *not* love each other. I look forward to the day when I can include all my new friends in that category.

5. Something that makes me terribly happy is: this song:

and this song:

I like a lot of music, but these two songs make me incapable of doing anything except jigging around like a drunken idiot with a massive smile on my face. Instant mood lift.

6. A good way to spend a sunny day is: sat in a park with a few cold cans of something (alcoholic or no), some fruit and good company. Ain't no better way to spend a day!

7.  My favorite celebratory food is: if I'm a) celebrating or b) I've had a terrible day, I treat myself to a Thornton's Viennese Truffle Bar. They're ridiculously expensive at 79p for quite a small bar, but SO worth it. They're like...creamy and truffle-y and rich on the inside, and hard and chocolatey on the outside. NOM. I wouldn't want to have more than one every so often because they're so decadent, but holy hell they're good. I have to stop myself making awkward noises of satisfaction whenever I eat one.

Baby, you're beautiful. Never change.

Peace out, bitches. I think I need to go buy myself a chocolate bar.

Dear Auntie Emma Part Two

Remember ages ago, when I posted about how I attract people having an emotion like a magnet when I'm drunk? Well...it's here if you've forgotten :D

I've pretty much worked out that that's because I ask them but it KEEPS HAPPENING. Last night, I started off with one drunk rambler...which was fine, she talks a lot when we're drunk and she's definitely going through some issues at the moment. And then I spoke with my future housemate. Which is cool except I barely know him...we don't really talk as much as the rest of our house and the main reason he's living with us is because his girlfriend is living in the other house of our group and that could get kind of awk. We had a very long chat about pretty much everything, he cried a lot which is odd because he's the stoic sort.

Turns out we're actually pretty similar people, which kind of explains why we're not friends. But I guess we are friends now.

Also I lost my ID and my campus card and like, 15 quid which is NOT COOL AT ALL.

I'm  unsure where I'm going with this. But it was weird. And there's an update.